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There’s a bird in me chimney, what am i gonna do?

June 26, 2012

(to the tune of UB40’s famous rat/kitchen ditty)

“There’s a bird in me chimney, what am i gonna do?

There’s a bird in me chimney, what am i gonna do?

We’re gonna leave that bird, that’s what we’re gonna do…”

Frankly, i’d rather have a rat in the kitchen, than a bird in the chimney.  The problem is manifold.  Firstly, the chimney is boarded up, i’ve no idea when it was last used.  There’s a revolting ‘fake fire’ in the chimney place – so fake that all it does is light up a ghastly orange colour when you turn the logs on, it’s not even the kind of fake fire that gives off heat.  This is a tragedy, and hopefully, once we’ve ingratiated ourselves sufficiently with the landlords am hoping that they might trust us at some point to open it up and have a real fire – as what’s the point of living in the country if you can’t have a log fire?!  But that’s another story.  So, the chimney’s boarded up, and not been cleaned for lord knows how many years.  The fluttering and distress was obvious from the moment we came back from our mad dash down to Surrey for my Uncle’s 70th.  Upon our return i had to go immediately out, for the last of my public facing festival duties (making origami sunflowers with kids), leaving hungover husband with the kids.  No sooner had i helped make the first 25 sunflowers (note to self, should i volunteer again will make sure that whatever it is that i’m making is more involving than origami, my poor little stall was veritably deserted, due to the fact that it takes about 5 mins to make a sunflower, whilst on everyone else’s stall they’d chosen stuff that kids had to sit and concentrate on for at least 15 mins, probably had the same turnover, just didn’t look it…mind you, considering how tired i was, prob not a bad thing), anyway, no sooner had i made the first few than hubbie and kids arrived, immediately presenting me with a problem that needed solving.  Obvs, was in no position to remedy the bird in chimney whilst sat outside with school kids making origami.  Plus, was not at that point even convinced that said bird was in said chimney, as considering hubbies state, could well just have been the DTs creating false sounds in his head.  So i ignored it.  However, when i got home, it was obvious from the amount of soot and mess all over the carpet that there was indeed something living at the bottom of the chimney where it shouldn’t be.

Now, i’m no expert, but it seemed to me that there were two potential courses of action:

1) unbolt the cover on the chimney, release bird and potentially the 15 years of soot it’s dislodged

2) do nothing.

Well, quite frankly, option 2 seemed the most desirable.  And so, i have, incredibly inhumanely, gone for the ‘let’s let him die and then open it up’ option.  I know, i know, that this is not particularly kosher, but…its not our house and to have a damaged and deranged bird flapping around causing havoc and wrecking the paintwork/carpet/paintings etc etc is not an option i care for.  However, and this is why i am now blogging about it…i do have the guilt.  Mainly because the blessed/damned (delete as appropriate) thing is taking an awfully long time to pass over.  It’s still occasionally flapping, and pushing through soot.  Please make it just go away?  I know it won’t, and i also know that we’ll have a relatively short window between death, and gut-wrenching rot smell infesting the place.  So, in the meantime, we’re all trying desperately to ignore it.  Am soooo not looking forward to having to deal with it though.  

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